Someone recently proclaimed that I ‘sound all Zen and Buddha like’, but in fact, I don’t know Buddha. I don’t know Zen or Tao. I barely know what awareness looks and feels like. I will be the first to admit that I am literally stumbling around in a vast world of information, going from hollow tree to hollow tree, looking for some kind of nugget of truth to allow me to feed my brain and become more authentic. That is how I might view the real meaning of ecstasy.
I think it’s a great trait to always want to learn more about ourselves. Even heroes learn about themselves in the Hero’s Journey; I mean that’s what the journey is actually all about! I may still now know a lot after my journey has ended, but hopefully, I will have inspired some others to start on their path by then.
I realize that all I seek is within me, but it’s hard at times when you are essentially teaching yourself. I don’t have a master, in the traditional sense and all I know is what feels right in my gut.
My mentor, guide, and fellow spiritual partner is my wonderful, illuminating girlfriend. She is so compassionate, intelligent, and empathetic that her and I have the best conversations about enlightenment, awareness, gratefulness, and many related topics! She is my mirror for much of what I do and we call each other on what we might consider an ‘old tape’ behaviour. We learn so much together.
Naturally I read many books, attend events, and watch movies and documentaries on other enlightened people, but I often wonder what it might be like to be taught by a master. Even to be mentored by a teacher in several different disciplines, so that we all find the path that is most suited to our own unique paths.
Wouldn’t it be so powerful to be able to attend a school that allowed you to broaden your sense of individual power, skill, knowledge and connection with the world around us? It might cultivate the awareness of self, the introduction of our Ego, the gratefulness of life, and the impact we have upon other beings.
As much as I may dream of such a place, in my current life I still fail to remove myself from my ego. I still judge people immediately after I see them. I still react emotionally firs, and I still crave money to succeed in life. I don’t know Zen or Tao or Buddha at all. But one thing I do have, that I didn’t have a year ago is awareness.
When I start to judge someone I see, I also start looking for why that is. When I desire acknowledgement, I quell it for the sake of knowing what it feels like, and understand that it would detract from the moment for the sole purpose of my ego.
When I feel emotions, I can discuss them and start to understand that a lot about my past influences my current behaviour.
As far as money goes, I can go without the BMW M Series car and continue to take the bus or bike, but I really want be profitable enough so I can reach a large audience and show people around the world how we can all tap in to our own potential. I’m working on that, one day, one post, one thought at a time.
I am constantly talking within my head about where my thoughts come from, why that is ‘so’, and if I am behaving selfishly or not. There is a lot of programming and I still have a hell of a long way to go, but I know that.
That much I do know.
If I sound all Zen and Buddha like, well, it’s only because I try to do a little research in my posts so you can benefit from it. I want to present all my thoughts as coherently as possible, and not as they fall out of my head, tumbling and tied up in mental knots as they always feel at first.
I am stumbling toward something that I know is where I want to go. I know it’s where I need to go, and I know that I will continue to stumble less and less as I make my way toward my goal of encountering my true self.
Many may have heard the poem, but I will repeat it hear again for any new readers, as it is so poignant and relevant to what I seek. An excerpt from the poem “Little Gidding” by T.S Eliot:
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
I want to arrive at the end of all my searching and exploration, while stumbling, crawling, and eventually running, to finally reach the end, and know what I see for the first time. Even as I say that, I may never reach the end, and in realizing that, isn’t all of life in the journey? I hope so.
Every moment is priceless because that’s all we have. Imagine if all humanity was swept off the planet., Would the phrase “What time is it?” still be relevant? Time is a man-made illusion, instrument, and convenience that we spend entirely too much ‘time’ on. So my journey, even when imperfect, is priceless, no matter if it takes the rest of my life; and I think it should.
We may all stumble, trip, fall, and feel utterly depleted by our own follies in our exploration for something new, something pleasing to our heart. But we shall not be disheartened. As a matter of fact we should take all the stumbling, falling, failing moments and decipher them as signposts that tell us to change our course slightly; try a different angle.
Even our failures tell us something…and sometimes monumentally more than many of our successes. When we fall, perhaps we can just sit there, and meditate, think, ruminate, and ponder the meaning of our perceived failure. It just might turn in to the best thing we had going for us.
May your path, however rough, awkward, and full of surprises, never snag you, always inform you, and gently lead you forward, so you may at long last be able to lovingly gaze at your own understanding of mind, body, and spirit; self bliss and ecstasy.
By the way, what is a stumble? a misstep? a failure? I think it might just be our perception of an event, yes? If we can’t see the future, and I know I can’t, how do we know, until the future comes to us, if that perceived misstep was in fact a step in the wrong direction? It just might have been the change in our path that we had been asking for all along!